A hollow shell. That's that remained. Everything I had been moments before had been torn out and had gone with her through the door. My secret, my heart, all of it.
"Oh dear," Charolette put a gloved hand to her her mouth as if in shock, though it looked more like she was trying to stifle a laugh, "That's one thing about the Ainsworth's daughters, Mr. Samuelson. They're...sensitive. Ever since their mother died, I'm afraid they've--"
"Lovely seeing you this evening, Ms. Evans," I gave a tight smile and tighter bow.
And with that gentlemanly speech, I pushed passed her into the ballroom. From there, I pushed through the crowd and left all together.
I plopped down on my hotel bed and pressed my thumb and forefinger to my eyes as the tears finally came.
Fool! I knew it was coming! It was my fault for going. This shouldn't have been such a hard blow.
And yet, I'd come so close tonight! She'd finally seemed to relax. She seemed to enjoy my presence.
And she'd seemed hurt.
"Gah," I muttered, rubbing my eyes on my sleeve. Foolish, foolish farm boy. I didn't belong here. Not in the elegant balls or pressed clothing. If I had any measure of sense left, I'd pack up my things and leave tonight before the real storm hit.
What would I return to though, the family I'd ruined? And now I'd ruined Charles' family. No. I might not have any sense left but, somehow, I had some dignity. I would stay and take the brunt of the storm so Charles wouldn't have to. I'd seperate myself from him and tell everyone that my cousin had no knowledge of my true identity and that I'd lied to him as well, no matter how much he tried to say otherwise.
But what would I do until then? Nora wasn't the type to run around giving away people's secrets--even if that person had treated her so ruthlessly--so I had until the wedding to figure things out. I could try to turn the situation around....somehow. My faith in miracles was increasingly dimming though. Even if no one else knew, the fact that she did made it impossible. She now played a key role in the Mr. Samuelson image and no amount of borrowed pocket watches could change the fact that I couldn't support her. My doom was imminent.
My thoughts drifted back to our argument. The sadness in her eyes and the pain her words.
"Complicated how Elliot? Complicated as in a marriage perhaps? Complicated as in a bride you don't want them to find out about?"
I sighed. Even if my reputation was shot, we couldn't end on such a discordant note. Even if the entire town thought the very worst of me, I had to at least show her that I was different. To somehow show her that I was more. Even if that meant I'd actually have to change myself and become more. Afterall, her opinnion was the only thing that really mattered to me anymore.
"Oh dear," Charolette put a gloved hand to her her mouth as if in shock, though it looked more like she was trying to stifle a laugh, "That's one thing about the Ainsworth's daughters, Mr. Samuelson. They're...sensitive. Ever since their mother died, I'm afraid they've--"
"Lovely seeing you this evening, Ms. Evans," I gave a tight smile and tighter bow.
And with that gentlemanly speech, I pushed passed her into the ballroom. From there, I pushed through the crowd and left all together.
I plopped down on my hotel bed and pressed my thumb and forefinger to my eyes as the tears finally came.
Fool! I knew it was coming! It was my fault for going. This shouldn't have been such a hard blow.
And yet, I'd come so close tonight! She'd finally seemed to relax. She seemed to enjoy my presence.
And she'd seemed hurt.
"Gah," I muttered, rubbing my eyes on my sleeve. Foolish, foolish farm boy. I didn't belong here. Not in the elegant balls or pressed clothing. If I had any measure of sense left, I'd pack up my things and leave tonight before the real storm hit.
What would I return to though, the family I'd ruined? And now I'd ruined Charles' family. No. I might not have any sense left but, somehow, I had some dignity. I would stay and take the brunt of the storm so Charles wouldn't have to. I'd seperate myself from him and tell everyone that my cousin had no knowledge of my true identity and that I'd lied to him as well, no matter how much he tried to say otherwise.
But what would I do until then? Nora wasn't the type to run around giving away people's secrets--even if that person had treated her so ruthlessly--so I had until the wedding to figure things out. I could try to turn the situation around....somehow. My faith in miracles was increasingly dimming though. Even if no one else knew, the fact that she did made it impossible. She now played a key role in the Mr. Samuelson image and no amount of borrowed pocket watches could change the fact that I couldn't support her. My doom was imminent.
My thoughts drifted back to our argument. The sadness in her eyes and the pain her words.
"Complicated how Elliot? Complicated as in a marriage perhaps? Complicated as in a bride you don't want them to find out about?"
I sighed. Even if my reputation was shot, we couldn't end on such a discordant note. Even if the entire town thought the very worst of me, I had to at least show her that I was different. To somehow show her that I was more. Even if that meant I'd actually have to change myself and become more. Afterall, her opinnion was the only thing that really mattered to me anymore.
***
It had taken half the morning to finally build up the courage to walk to her house. It felt strange putting on the usual costume now that we both knew otherwise, but Mr. Samuelson blundering through town without his usual hat or jacket would undoubtedly cause suspicion--something I was in no mood to deal with. Not yet at least.
I searched for something to say on my way there. Something convincing. Something that let her know I thought the world of her. Or something at all would be nice.
"Good morning, Mr. Samuelson!"
I jerked my head up and switched a smile on, tipping my hat as the local baker passed, "Good morning."
My eyes suddenly caught something on the street corner behind him though and I froze.
Nathaniel. And he was talking to Nora.
A burst of anger boiled inside me. Not at her, but at him. I knew Nora well enough that she was probably just on her way to the market. She wasn't like her sisters in the way that she would readily jump into the arms of any handsome flirt to cross their path. No. I was certain that Nathaniel had been the one to start the conversation.
"Oh no you don't," I muttered. Had he been anyone more deserving like, say Mr. Hodges, I would have no place to be upset. But as he was just as much a liar and thief as I was, I wasn't about to let him win this one.
Trying to appear as casual as possible, I waited for a chance to cross the street and then hurried over to the other side. Once on the pavement, I manuevered through people until I finally reached her just after Nathaniel had left, all grinning and gracious. Nora, still laughing softly at something he must've said, turned back around and saw me. Again, my presence seemed to banish the smile from her face and, despite our height difference, I suddenly felt very small.
"Nora," I tried, "I need to tell you something."
She scowled, "And how do I know that won't be a lie?"
"I...," a valid point. My mouth only shut again. Seeing that I had no answer, she gave a quick bow and then walked past me.
"No, wait!" I spun around and placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her, "You don't know who he is."
She spun around as well, that anger back in her eyes, "I've already told you, Elliot, blaming your faults on another person doesn't build your standing in the least."
"I'm not blaming, I'm telling the truth! You must listen--"
"No, you must listen," she took a step closer to me, "You've taken advantage of my father, made a fool out of everyone here, and--" her voice caught, "And you've lied to me, Elliot."
My heart plummeted, "But Nora, I--"
She let out a sad sigh and her voice softened, "If you're not going to break off this engagement, sir, then I'm afraid I'll have to."
She turned back around and, again, left me feeling completely empty.
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