“This morning I will speak to you of two of the seedbeds of sin: selfishness and pride.”I couldn’t help but feel everyone’s eyes on me as I shuffled past the church pews to where the Lettingtons were seated. My face reddened. It was bad enough in my hometown to arrive late to church so I could only imagine what it meant here.
“Glad you could honor us with your presence, Mr. Samuelson,” Hodges joked. There was a low rumble from the congregation as I moved into one of the pews. I sheepishly nodded my head as way of apology and then sat down. It was brave thing for the parish to poke fun at someone higher rank than him from the pulpit. Then again, this was Bertram Hodges addressing me. And the congregation knew my usual punctualness well enough that it didn’t seem to do much harm.
He cleared his throat and continued again.
Charles leaned over towards me, “What kept you, Elliot?”
“Overslept.”
With a roll of his eyes he turned his attention back to the pulpit. I relaxed into the seat and tried to do the same.
It hadn’t neccesarily been my fault that I was up late. Charles had noticed that I hadn’t been spending a great amount of time with my fiancé at the ball and had strongly suggested that I return to the Ainsworth’s as early as possible to mend my show of reluctance. I knew it was a hopeless cause but he’d pushed a boquet of flowers into my hands and ushered me out onto his front porch before I could argue.
I wasn’t really sure what I was going to say to her once I actually got there but she had so gracisouly saved me the trouble by not even letting me get a word in. And looking through the window had only won me a skeptic sneer. So, with a soft laugh, I’d turned to leave--only to walk slap bang into Hodges himself. His automatic apology was cut short as his eyes moved from my face, to the bouquet of flowers, and back to my face again.
“Would you mind giving these to her for me?” I remember asking, only jokingly. He'd only scowled and pushed past me to get to the door.
Knowing this shallow romance--if it was even that--wasn’t going anywhere, and knowing I already had a full day ahead of me, I’d spent a good part of the night trying to please dear Miss Nora and come up with a plan to break off our engagement. It was all in vain. No matter which way it was broken, either she or I would come out with the smaller end. One of us, if not both of us, would have our reputation ruined. Either she would appear foolish and disagreeable or I’d be robbed of my honesty and labeled irresponsible.
Eventually I‘d just gone to bed. The gravity of the situation had begun to sink in and I‘d felt a little suffocated . It seemed we only had two real options before us: either we made a spinster and a begger out of each other or we bit the bullet, grabbed hands, and made the vows.
“As it says in the first book of Timothy, ‘the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows’.”
I felt those dark blue eyes shift my direction for only the briefest of seconds but thought nothing of it and quietly began flipping through the prayer book sitting there. I didn’t like either prospect and I knew she wouldn’t either. Perhaps Charles had come up with something. He always seemed to posess just the lifeline I needed. I’d have to ask him after the meeting.
“I have beheld the sorrowful results of these disagreeable qualities recently and wish to address my remarks to the individual who feels the need to repent and change them. For selfishness not only harms he who is guilty of it, but those in his aquaintence as well. Those who must carry the weight he throws upon them by seeking only his personal gain.”
I cocked an eyebrow and looked up. Was he…?
“In fact, it was an intimate friend of mine that has been victim of such behavior and I hope to dimish it from our hearts and desires so that we may all abound in unity and love. Rather we need humility--a noble and priceless quality--that benefits all.”
He was.
“It is of great importance that these seedbeds remain barren, for they only reap destruction and sorrow. In the book of Proverbs we read that, ‘pride goeth before destruction, and haughty spirit before a fall’. Those who build the foundations of their lives or homes on their own selfish desires will never find true, satisfying success no matter the riches or reputation they surround themselves with. It is the soul on the inside, not the creature on the outside, that determines our eternal fate.”
With a mirthless snort I shut the book, no longer able to focus on the words. Charles looked over at me but I waved him away and turned my attention back to Hodges. The joke was one thing but an entire sermon? The parish had more moxy than I’d credited him for. With a groan, I sunk down into my seat; couldn't Mr. Samuelson have one normal, peaceful day without enemies trying to throw him back into his place?
“The book of Proverbs continues to provide us wisdom on this subject. In the thirtheenth chapter it reads, ‘wealth gotten by vanity shall be diminished: but he that gathereth by labour shall increase’. Any work of vanity is at loss of a true foundation and will only erode over time. It is thus imperative for us to engage in more pure labors. ‘For what is man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?’”
I wanted to stand up and argue. My labor was to repair the damage that I had done to my family by falling for Scott’s scam. It wasn’t one of vanity! Yet, I suppose if I had stood up my expensive jacket and shiney pocket watch would’ve suggested otherwise. And I wasn’t losing myself trying to win over the Gransville Estate! I may have set up a façade, but once this was all over my problems would be solved and I’d return to my former self.
The volume of his voice went up just a notch as he pressed on, “Said the prophet Jeremiah, ‘Hear ye, and give ear: be not proud: for the Lord hath spoken.’”
From there it was completely brutal. At one point I simply rested my elbows on my knees and buried my face in my hands, quietly laughing to myself. He didn’t know my secret but he might as well have. The way he spoke of putting one’s self first had my concious recoiling. Such people as ignorant Mr. Harrington and eager Mr. Ainsworth came immediately to mind. The secrets I’d kept from Charles, the empty image Miss Ainsworth was bound to… Though he continued to keep it politely vague, he definetly got his point across.
He tried to make eye contact again but I turned away, trying to play oblivious to what was going on. My gaze fell on Nora, sitting with her family in the opposite pew. Her honey colored hair was pinned up in its usual pretty bun with a few loose curls framing her face. One hand brushed through Nelly’s hair while the other smoothed her dress.
Despite the innocent scene, my brows furrowed. Had she planned this? Had she asked Hodges to do it? It wouldn’t have surprised me in the least with how close they were.
And yet…it would have. It wasn’t in Nora’s nature to gloat; she’d had every chance and right to at the dinner party and hadn’t even come close. Though she might’ve known about it, I was sure it was just the clergyman doing his job. And, as proud as I may have pretended to be, it was working.
Nora casually glanced over and caught me looking at her. Needing some sort of explanation to be staring, I rose my eyebrows questioningly and then nodded towards Hodges though I already knew the answer. As I expected, her lips only curved into a small frown and she turned away with a shrug.
Surrendering, I turned back and attempted at relaxing once more.
Charles leaned over a second time, “Who do you think he’s referring to? You seem to know more about people than I do these days.”
I gave my most honest answer, “Couldn’t tell you, I‘m afraid.”
Enduring the rest of the session wasn’t any easier. Every time I tried to distract myself, he’d hit right to the core again and my thoughts would scatter. The entire time I’d been here I hadn’t taken much time to stop and think through my situation as a whole; I was too busy fighting the battles of the moment. Now I realized that I had was walking a fine line--one more wrong step and I just might plummet.
Normally risk didn’t intimidate me much. But he even had me feeling guilty for it all! My feet constantly shifted and I traced the the title of the prayer book repeatedly, doing all in my limited power to ward off the fire and brimstone launched at my place in the pew. And walking out of the door would only be a sign of defeat, to say nothing of the suspicion it would cause. I was trapped. Though if Charles noticed my restlessness, he showed no sign, simply holding his wife’s hand and listening pleasantly.
When it finally appeared to be coming to an end I sighed with relief and made the mistake of looking up. His eyes finally locked right on mine and he gave his closing sentence, “‘The wicked in his pride doth persecute the poor: let them be taken in the devices that they have imagined’. ”
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